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王白水

白水房

志闲少欲,心安不惧 泛中医论坛https://forum.beginner.center/
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The Cruelty and Enjoyment of Self-Dissection A003

In Ted Jiang's novel "Breath", in order to explore the mysteries of brain operation, the protagonist (a mechanical life form) dissects himself while writing down his experiences for future readers. In this process, the flow of consciousness is observed for the first time under a microscope, and it feels infinitely panicked.

If I realized this in another situation, I would jump up from my chair and rush to the street. But in my current situation - my body locked in a fixed frame, my brain hanging around the laboratory - it is impossible to do so. I can see the rapid movement of the blades in my brain caused by the noisy thoughts, which in turn increases my anxiety about this constrained state. Panicking at such a moment could lead to death: being trapped in a nightmare and involuntarily twisting my body, struggling against the restraints of my body until the air runs out. Intentionally or unintentionally, my hand adjusted the control lever, turning the field of view of the periscope from the grid structure to the workbench. I no longer need to observe and magnify my own panic psychology, and I can calm down. After regaining my composure, I began the lengthy process of assembling myself. Finally, I restored the brain to its initial compact structure, installed the skull, and then freed myself from the fixed frame.

When facing my own inner self, I have also felt panic many times.

Dissecting my own thoughts, feeling ideas emerge one after another, and then disappear, surging like waves. Many times it is whimsical, imagining the future or the distance, it is enjoyable. But sometimes, what is observed is the darkness in the heart. Recently, I read "The Book of Supreme Harmony" for the first time, and I almost saw all the sins that humans can commit. There are many evil intentions that are usually hidden, and can only be discovered in a very quiet moment.

At the beginning, I was surprised. Did I really think like this? I was afraid of becoming a bad person.

The more I observe, the more I slowly accept reality. I do think like this, but it's just thoughts. As long as I control them, it's fine. These deeply hidden thoughts, I don't say them, no one has discovered them until now, even I didn't discover them before.

Later on, I started to communicate my thoughts with others, and I felt much more relaxed after speaking them out. Perhaps the confession room in Christianity/Catholicism is used in this way.

I found that the more suppressed, the easier it is to rebound. Only by facing the abyss can one be calm.

When I wrote these words on the high-speed train, the passenger on the left was playing with their phone, and the mother on the right had just woken up. When I opened the note-taking app, many thoughts floated by: Will someone see me writing here? Will what I write look sophisticated? Will the person on the left admire me because of this? After watching Ted Jiang for a while before writing, will I be considered pretentious for taking out my computer and not using it? Will my mother say I'm overthinking after she sees it? And so on.

As I write, I feel it. I look at them, like standing by the river and watching the bubbles spit out by the fish, a string of thoughts emerge and burst.


I have decided to forward a copy of my blog content to the public account from today, nothing more, just for advertising.
And the public account is going to change its name, "Xiaobai Evolution Theory" ➡️ "The Beginning Disciple of Traditional Chinese Medicine"

  • Disciple of the Beginning
  • Started with Hiking
  • Also an apostle in Evangelion, those who have watched it naturally understand, those who haven't can take a look.
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