志闲少欲,心安不惧 泛中医论坛

A014 Negation, the negation of negation

A Little Chat First#

There is a spiral process in the recognition of the laws of things. First, denial, then denial of denial, and then what? Denial of denial of denial (denial x3)? Denial of denial of denial of denial (denial x4)?

It seems that completing the second level of denial of denial is enough to achieve a comprehensive understanding. I haven't encountered any situations that can reach the third or even the fourth level. Maybe it's because I have limited experience.

Getting to the Main Topic Today#

From childhood to adulthood, every time I have a vacation, I always argue with my mom. The reason is the same old topics. Don't play games, don't stay up late, there's no fresh topic, and my ears are calloused. So since I went to college, I always find various excuses not to go home. When I don't go home, I quickly end the phone call with "I'm busy." When I go back home and conflicts arise, I can only listen with a stiff head.

When I return home and my mom is angry, my habit is to stay silent and let my mom keep talking. Because every time I speak, it will only stimulate her more, and it never fails. Through repeated verification and reinforcement, I become more reluctant to speak. I feel that everything I do is wrong, and over time, even when I'm not in front of my mom, I don't feel outstanding.

Later, after reading "The Courage to Be Disliked," the book mentioned the concept of "separating tasks." The general idea is that there are things that you need to solve yourself, and there are things that others need to solve. If you insist on solving other people's problems, you will end up solving your own. This passage can be included in the Mandarin exam. What does "solve" mean in each instance?

Just kidding, let's get back on track. After reading the book, I suddenly realized that the problem lies with my mom. She is a demanding person, and if she can't achieve her expectations, she gets angry. When faced with my mom's anger, what I can solve is how I respond. I can argue with her, stay silent, or act indifferent. This is my task, and it belongs to the part that I can handle. But I can't make my mom not get angry. This is her task, and I can't handle it. Insisting on making her not get angry will only result in both of us getting hurt.

After understanding this, I gradually became more relaxed. Although I try to adjust the time I spend playing games and the frequency of staying up late, there will inevitably be a day when I lose control, get caught by her, and then she gets angry. At that time, I simply zone out.

Sometimes, after getting angry, we have a deep conversation. I tell her about the changes I have made and what changes she can make. But over time, she starts to feel that no one is at fault, and it's all her fault. When she starts saying this, I feel hopeless. If you want to be angry, be angry. If you don't want to change, then forget it. I will slowly change my habit of staying up late on my own. If she can't see my changes, then so be it.

But as I became more sensitive to my own emotions, after the last time she got angry, I realized that I first got angry, then thought it over and let it go. Then came the feeling of helplessness. "Oh well, my mom will always be like this. I can't help her." This was my level of thinking for a period of time.

But this time, I took a step forward. I felt sorry for her, she works so hard and loves me so much, why should she be treated like this (with no one comforting her when she's sad)? I have had this feeling before, but it was overshadowed by the previous two feelings, which resulted in me being carefree while she cried alone. This time, when I pretended to be studying on my computer to avoid her, I listened to my mom crying in the next room. Then I became aware of this feeling, and then I had a thought: I want to comfort her, just comfort her, without trying to convince her to change.

So I walked over to her, massaged her liver meridian, and chatted with her. The process was difficult because I said a lot of things and she didn't react at all (which is exactly how she usually responds when I talk to her). Later on, I couldn't continue speaking, and I thought that relaxation exercises can guide people to calm their minds. So can I guide her to calm down as well? I followed the relaxation exercises recording from my teacher, little by little, continuously guiding her to recall happy memories, and when she showed a reaction, I let her continue talking. Sad things become sadder the more you think about them, and happy things become happier the more you think about them. In her state of sadness, she couldn't adjust on her own, but by guiding her to think about happy things, I set off the first domino, and she was able to adjust on her own.

Sure enough, she adjusted, and the effect was decent, but it was very laborious because I had never done this before. I think, this time, it was the denial of denial.


Relaxation exercises have appeared twice now. The first time was in A012 Talking About Making Tea, and the second time is today. In A012, readers were curious about what relaxation exercises are. After communicating with my teacher, I am sharing the guiding document on the Beginner Center forum, which can be found and downloaded here. If you need it, please take a look.

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